Bittersweet Dreams
by Jessica-Lilian
Summary: One-shot. I wanted to try a slightly different perspective, and look at why Petunia treats Harry the way she does.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, it all belongs to JKR, no copyright infringement is intended. **

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**Bittersweet Dreams**

Wide, green eyes looked pleadingly at her and she turned her face away.

It was difficult sometimes. Those green eyes, so like her sisters. It seemed that every where she looked in this house, there they were, those big green eyes pleading for affection.

Just like Lily's.

It should have been a normal Tuesday afternoon: Vernon at work, Dudley and that boy at school. But, no.

Her nephew had been sent home early from school; he'd been found on the roof of the school kitchens and suspended until the end of the week as a result. _They didn't want the other children getting ideas, _the teachers had said.

Not that the other children _could_ do it. The boy says he didn't climb, and Petunia knew he didn't climb. He flew.

Just like Lily.

She remembered what it was like growing up. How her parents wondered at Lily, how she did all these marvellous things, then finding out it was _magic. _She had _magic. _

It was every child's dream. Being whisked away to live in a castle and learn magic, and learn that all the creatures from fairytales were real. And Lily had that dream – it was her life. There was even a hero to carry her away at the end of it.

But no matter how hard Petunia tried, no matter how much she dreamed, and no matter how hard she wished, she couldn't muster up one tiny spark of magic.

She remembered how jealous she'd been that she could not, would not, be able to go live in that castle, be part of that world. _As if the rivalry between sisters wasn't bad enough already. _

Lily went off to Hogwarts and bought spell books and cauldrons and a wand, and their parents got glimpses of that world, too. And they were enraptured. They wanted to be part of it as much as Petunia, but they were adults; it was a child's dream, nothing more than a memory to them. They'd already accepted it wouldn't happen for them. But this was Lily's chance, and they were ecstatic for her. They marvelled at the simplest pieces of her schoolwork and they were proud, so proud, to have a witch in their family.

And she... well, she could have gotten the highest marks in her class, she might have gotten an award for some outstanding achievement, she might _even_ have found the most perfect man in the world to marry, but what was so special about that? Lily had magic, after all, and what wasn't extraordinary compared to that? It had seemed to her, in all the spite and pettiness that goes along with adolescence that nothing she could do would ever compare. So what was the point?

So she settled for being normal while Lily grew further into the world of magic, and further away from her, and Petunia stopped dreaming of being part of that world, but instead she wished that her sister would once more be part of hers. Their parents saw it as a natural part of growing up, but not Petunia. That world had stolen her sister. She'd seen it. Slowly, they'd stopped being enough for Lily. They were her family, and they loved her, but they didn't _understand. _They just didn't_ know. _

So they grew apart, as she took out all her resentment for that world on Lily. And then... and then. She'd gotten killed. In one letter, delivered with a baby on her doorstep, Petunia learned that Lily had married and had a son (almost the same time as her, too, the boy and Dudley were only a month apart), and she'd gotten killed.

And it was all a waste. It was _that world _again. The normal world wasn't at war. If Lily had just stayed with her... It was useless wishing, though. She'd never get her sister back now.

And her nephew had been left on her doorstep, and the instant he looked at her with _those _eyes, she knew she'd never be able to care for him the way she should.

He was born into that world. Lily's world, and he would wave wands and ride broomsticks like the rest of them.

But her own son, he was born into her world, the normal world. She had felt jealousy and resentment and loneliness growing up. Far more than was normal. But her sister had abandoned her. She'd felt inadequate. It wasn't nice, coming second best all the time. Even to someone you loved.

She'd sworn when she took the boy in that her son wouldn't feel that. He wouldn't have to go through what she did.

She'd read the letter from that headmaster, she knew about the boy. How much she'd dreamt of having magic as a child, how much she'd longed to be like Lily, and how a miniscule part of her wished that her son would be the same, so he could have that too. It wasn't fair that she and Dudley should be left with only wishes and dreams when this boy had more magic than nearly anyone else. It wasn't fair, either, she sometimes thought, that he should survive when she didn't.

But at the same time she was pleased. Some part, even a small part, of Lily had been saved, was given back to her. But she couldn't show how grateful she was for that. Not if she wanted to shield Dudley from that, never mind because of her husband.

It had eaten away at her, over the last seven years he'd been here. The guilt clawed at her insides. But she'd been careful, she hadn't shown it. Not to that boy, not to her husband.

Sometimes when he looked at her with Lily's eyes her chest tightened and she froze. In those moments she thought she saw a shadow of her sister behind those eyes, silent and accusing. But then she'd remind herself that she couldn't let Dudley grow up harbouring that kind of resentment and bitterness. And he was their saviour, supposedly. It was a small, spiteful way of getting revenge on that world for stealing her sister.

She saw that the child craved some kind of positive attention. She didn't see the point in giving it. Eventually, he'd go off to that school, learn of that world, and they wouldn't be enough. They were only _muggles _after all.

He'd already been showing signs of magic, today was hardly the first time.

That boy was destined for great things, she'd been told. He was strong, in terms of magic if the number of incidents was anything to go by, and a fast learner. He'd get invited to that school, and he'd learn wondrous things, and he'd begin to feel caged in the normal world. Then one day he'd leave, and possibly never come back because of that war.

No, it was pointless to waste affection on that boy when it would never be enough. Pointless to let he and Dudley grow close just to have them torn apart.

That boy. Harry. Just like Lily.

But Petunia would make certain that Dudley would not be just like her.

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